Ha… this is an interesting one. Now that I think back, it was a pretty big step in my growth as an adult. I am the sweetest person ever, but I am not very nice when I am angry. I used to have a lot of difficulty controlling my words and actions when under the influence of my emotions and didn’t likeb being a slave to my them, so I made a conscious effort to change that. Now, I control my emotions; they do not control me. Since then, I have been able to assess things more logically and go beyond hurt, anger or pain to a place where I can move forward without emotional anchors. Not that I don’t deal with it from time to time, I am only human. I’m not a slave to them is all.
This was also the first time I dated a guy just because, well… he was pretty hot. I’m usually not that shallow. I’m a sucker for nerds, a sense of humor and a killer smile. Truth be told, he was the male equivalent of a bimbo and that’s probably why I didn’t expect much from him. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, he wasn’t exactly a bimbo, but he was no rocket scientist. He was my boy-toy (yes, I said “boy-toy”)... A very sweet one at that. Except for when he drank… it was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He went from Prince Charming to Blubbering Buffoon. Yep, that was going nowhere. Still, I enjoyed his attentions… (**GASP** Was that me being selfish??? Shame, D, Shame!)
I have no idea where the title for this blog post came from. Maybe at the time, I wanted my “knight in shining armor” to “come to the rescue.” I know I’d been on a string of bad dates. Ugh… where in the world did I get this idea that I required saving? LOL Too much Super Mario and Disney movies, perhaps?? I feel like a lot of us (women) feel that way, waiting around for Prince Charming and Sir Lancelot, playing the part of the damsel in distress. **I just vomited a little** Really? Screw that, I say…
These days, I wait for no knight. I wield my own sword, shield, and f*ck me pumps. Catch me if you can…
October 26, 2004
In Buddhism, Nirvana is the state of happiness achieved by not wanting anything. Leo Buscaglia said that the reason people get hurt in relationships is because they give expecting something in return. When you expect nothing, you can’t possibly be disappointed, n’est pas?
It’s true. I know this first hand. I got into a situation with a man that f*cked up, BIG TIME, and by any stretch of the imagination would be considered one of the most disrespectful acts committed against a person…. Let’s just say he LIED to me.
I think a younger less experienced me would have been, infuriated, devasted, broken, aniquillada. However, I…. this product of societal evolution… didn’t hurt at all.
I looked at him calmly and laughed at his stupidity. He looked on in bewilderment. As he profusely begged for forgiveness, I just smiled. I thanked him for the wonderful times I shared with him in this very beautiful stage of my life. I kissed both his cheeks, smiled again and bid him farewell.
I will admit I flirted with the idea of anger, getting even, revenge.. probably remnants of the habit of normal human reaction. They quickly dissipated and all that was left was calm. I just never really expected anything from him… or maybe I just didn’t REALLY like him.
Pity, I was hoping HE had arrived. I grow anxious…