I walked my cheating ex-boyfriend‘s wife down the aisle and gave her away…. at least, that’s what happened in my dream.
Let me backtrack…
A few years ago, I dated a man who was essentially living a double life. I don’t know what else to call it. One where he was in a committed long-term relationship, shared a home, a life, a dog, sleepy Sundays and football with his family. The other, where he was a single philandering S.O.B. He brought women to our house when I was at work, claimed that the hair bands on the bathroom door (and any other female paraphernalia) belonged to his sister as he complained about how he is such a “nice guy” who can’t seem to find someone. He was a compulsive liar… a very convincing one at that. So much so, I’m convinced he’s a psychopath.
He was cheating on me. I wish I could tell you I didn’t know, but as women, we always know. We feel it. Guys aren’t as good at covering their tracks as they think they are. Continue reading →
An interesting question was asked in the T.R.U.E. Love Academy group — What is TRUE LOVE? Many things crossed my mind, like freedom and acceptance. I thought of true love as something you give without expecting to receive. Receiving is a beautiful bonus, no? Then it occurred to me that this must be why I find myself giving so much to the point of self-neglect. Amidst all the questions of what I could be doing wrong or right, one thing is clear to me: I want to love you, for who you are, just as you are. That would be the greatest gift to us all.
“Que ha sufrido mil derrotas, que no tengo fuerzas para defenderme….”
Practice Love Often
I know some of you have warned me against this (i.e. leaving myself so wide open). I don’t know any other way exist. I either do something — or I don’t. Simple as that. I don’t do anything half-assed. (Call me full-assed… ha!) Sometimes, this philosophy works against me. Okay… A LOT of times it works against me. Continue reading →
“Here’s what he doesn’t know yet. I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have it all. My money, my time, my body, my dog, my dog’s money…. I will assume your debts and project upon you all sorts of nifty qualities you’ve never actually cultivated in yourself. I will give you all this and more… until I am so exhausted and depleted, the only way I can recover is by becoming infatuated with someone else….” – fromEat, Pray, Love.
There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ’cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought that if I
loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it.
It’s easier to be alone because what if you learn that you need love and then you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? and then… it falls apart. Can you even survive that kind of pain?
Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is… Death ends. This? It could go on forever…
Yes, I’m sure this difficult for all of you to believe… Hell, I had a hard time wrapping my head around it.
For most of my natural life, I operated under the belief that absolutely nothing could harm or hurt me… AS IF anything could even touch me. ”It’s all in your head’‘, I would tell myself. Even when I felt pain, I understood it as being a small, ephemeral, sacrifice to my goals and aspirations. I was am harder on myself than anyone.
Driven to a fault, I pushed myself — past the point of exhaustion and back again– and then pushed further. Limitless, I knew no bounds and continuously and mercilessly abused them.
One day, while eating a nice healthy serving of humble pie, I learned my limits. **chuckles** Wow... never thought I’d see the day I would actually admit to having any.